Where Do Babies Really Come From?

It’s time to debunk once and for all the idea that Daddy plants a little seed in Mommy. I’ve tried it — it doesn’t work. Not with geraniums, not with tulips. We’ve swallowed this lie about the origin of babies for far too long. After several decades of research, I can assure you: if you want to have babies, the last thing you should do is plant seeds anywhere. You’ll grow gardens, which also require care, but it’s not quite the same thing. If you don’t believe me, try changing a rosebush’s diaper without getting pricked.

There have been long-standing debates about where babies really come from. Most likely, they come from playgrounds — which would explain why they spend their days wanting to go back there. After all, we all want to return to our origins. And I don’t know a single kid who’s dying to go back to the Gardening & Outdoor aisle at Home Depot.

It’s possible that in this whole baby-making business there are several ways to reach the same destination. In principle, to make a baby, you need a man, a woman, and a mountain of paperwork. Try not to ask a progressive, because they’ll tell you you don’t need the man, the woman, or the paperwork. Although, if you leave an iPhone 17 Pro in the middle of the street and wait long enough, hundreds of children will show up. One of them might even be yours.

As for the biological process itself, it should be clarified once and for all that the male’s role is crucial when it comes to expanding the family. Someone has to book the emergency flight for when the stork is ready. As for the woman, her participation is equally vital: someone has to remember not to leave the baby at the airport on the way back.

Sometimes, it’s urgent for the baby to arrive as soon as possible — for example, when the school year is about to start. It looks terrible to be the only one walking the dog while everyone else drops their kids off at school. That’s when we decide to put the man and the woman in a dimly lit room. The pantry will do.

First, there’s a romantic dinner. Later, after the customary compliments, comes the climax of the process: the man opens his surprise package and pulls out the gift meant for the future mother — a stork. From then on, a series of shady dealings occur that lead the stork to take flight and disappear in an unknown direction. The rest is well known: let time pass, the baby in the beak, the diapers, the bottles. The parents might gain a few pounds while waiting. They usually calm their nerves by signing up for McDonald’s.

Obviously, deliveries aren’t immediate. From the moment you place the order until the stork arrives, several months go by — just enough time to set up the nursery and the crib, so the baby doesn’t have to sleep in your arms until college. Besides, storks have been overwhelmed lately, flying nonstop, because people have stopped believing in the nonsense of overpopulation. Young couples want to have babies again, be happy, and hate socialism. God might’ve considered a slightly faster bird for the job. I can think of one, but I can’t say it without my lawyer present.

Then there’s the matter of sneezing and its role in every baby boom. Some animal-like types reproduce by spores. So I guess you should avoid sneezing on a woman unless you’re ready to have kids with her. For some scientific reason beyond me, spores are released when you sneeze, which apparently drives the storks flying overhead insane — dropping babies at random all over the place.

I know of at least one other way to make babies. It also involves a mom, a dad, and a few specific conditions. But I’m not entirely sure what the stork’s role is in that one. As for the baby, I assume it flies in from somewhere far away — maybe in Mom’s beak. Meanwhile, Dad is probably trying to grill the stork while watching a football game, instead of building the crib, which is what he should be doing.

Anyway, I have no real idea where babies come from. I think the science that studies this whole matter is called pornography.

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