How to Survive Your Guests and Still Get Married
One of my best friends is organizing his wedding. I’ve decided to lend him a hand with this manual for the day he gets married, and it may also be useful to anyone approaching such a delicate moment.
When you wake up on the big day, the first thing you should do is confirm that today is indeed your wedding day. This is not common among women, but among men, there is a very high rate of error in this regard. Throughout history, thousands of men have married the wrong person by showing up at their wedding at the wrong time or in the wrong place. You should know that once the bride and groom reach the altar, a general state of unconsciousness sets in, in which neither the groom nor the guests are aware of anything. As a result, no one notices that the bride has married the wrong person until the reception, when someone else’s name shows up on the seating chart. That is why I recommend paying attention before entering the church. For the more forgetful, I recommend carrying a photo of your partner in your wallet for verification purposes.
Experts recommend that couples avoid certain activities on their wedding day. It is common advice to avoid canoeing, hiking, scuba diving, skydiving, or any other activity that could put your life at risk. In my long experience as a wedding guest, my advice goes further: do absolutely nothing on your wedding day. The world is a hostile and violent place. Stairs are slippery, food is poisonous, and many people die every year from being hit by falling roof tiles while walking through town.
Suddenly, you will find yourself in the ceremony, which is the heart of the wedding, if it is Christian. Concentrate for once. Thinking about the reception during the ceremony has been the source of great disappointment throughout the history of marriage. It is common to hear the classic: “I, Prawn, take you, roast beef with potatoes.” There is also the well-documented moment when the groom says, “I do,” and the bride answers, “Yes, I eat.”
Some people express their joy by crying. Don’t be alarmed if you turn around during the ceremony and see elderly women crying. They are not against the wedding. It’s something you only understand when you are about to become a grandparent — but if everything has been done properly, unless you are marrying someone very old, you should still be quite far from having grandchildren.
Once the ceremony is over, you will rush off to the photo session, enjoying one of the happiest moments of your life. Newly married, all tension gone, you will get into a car that takes you far away from the noise, the claws, and the overly affectionate kisses of the guests. Don’t relax. It’s a trap. You’ll soon be surrounded again by people who want to touch you a little too much.
There you will find that your wedding guests have eaten everything and left you not a single appetizer.
After the photos, you can head to the reception venue. There you will find that your wedding guests have eaten everything and left you not a single appetizer. To avoid fainting in such a situation, it is advisable for the bride to hide a package of Little Debbie snack cakes in her bouquet. Don’t do this if you plan to follow the tradition of throwing the bouquet to your single friends. The chances of a snack-filled bouquet landing on the fattest guest in the room and creating an absolutely unbearable silence are extremely high.
Just before opening the door to the reception, you should exercise your cheeks and mouth repeatedly, mimicking the sound of a horse neighing. This will warm up the muscles and prevent facial cramps after five hours of forced smiling. Then open the door, receive the applause, and ask the waiters not to serve any more glasses of wine to the groom’s friends, regardless of their condition. Also, call the head waiter and start pressuring him to speed up dinner, even if it’s not necessary. Every second counts, and the goal is for everyone to be able to go home before your first child is born.
During dinner, the best thing to do is eat and not pay attention to anything else. Couples who focus too much on other guests end up choking. It is truly awful to die on your wedding day.
It is considered acceptable for the groom to carry a small dagger hidden in his sock and to mercilessly eliminate guests who, due to their vulgar nature or excessive drinking, direct any kind of chanting at the bride, groom, or anyone at the main table. Whether they rhyme or not. Whether they are obscene or not. Whether they are funny or not.
At wedding receptions, people tend to drink heavily. This is nothing unusual, as it has been happening for centuries and is a clear sign that something important is being celebrated. Think of the wedding at Cana. The only thing you need to be careful about is the trouble some guests may cause others. Many people, when they drink, become extremely interested in discussing politics, religion, and the ex-girlfriends of the groom. These are the kind of people who should probably be given more drinks until what they are saying becomes unintelligible.
At every wedding, there are a couple of idiots who shouldn’t have drunk, shouldn’t have been invited, and in some cases, frankly, shouldn’t even exist, but who, for some inexplicable reason, end up completely drunk, shirtless, and out of control, trying to get one of the grandparents of the couple to dance. These people must be tackled and removed immediately, or their example will spread, and the wedding will turn into a nightmare. A wedding should be a joyful and fun occasion for everyone, but everyone will also enjoy watching an idiot being tackled and removed.
Finally, once the wedding is over, you may consummate the marriage. Preferably in private. It should also be noted that when the newlyweds leave the venue, guests tend to imagine an unforgettable sexual feast. However, the best-kept secret of married couples is that there may be no day less suitable for sexual activity than your wedding night. You will be so exhausted that all you will wish for is that God grants you, for one night, the grace of being able to reproduce by spores.
READ MORE from Itxu Díaz:
The Happiest Religion on Earth
The Mysterious Solitude of Christ in His Passion and Death on the Cross
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