Category: Satire
The Christmas Gift List for Celebrities, Politicians, and Other Animals
You don’t always give gifts to people you like. Quite often, you have to give gifts to people you don’t….
Bombshell Report: Crockett Charged with Assaulting Police Officer in 2022
Jasmine Crockett launched her campaign for U.S. Senate on Monday, several weeks after receiving a donation from a bank account tied to Jeffrey Epstein. The congresswoman from Texas, widely regarded as one of the Democratic Party’s most talented and erudite politicians, will try her luck in the primary against state representative James Talarico after failed candidate Colin Allred dropped out at Crockett’s urging.
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Gavin Newsom’s Twisted ‘Crotch Clench’ Sparks Concern, Baffles Experts
There’s something wrong with Gavin Newsom. Americans recoiled in horror, then squinted in fascination at the images of Newsom’s appearance at the New York Times Dealbook Summit. There he was, the greaseball California governor, sitting in a chair with his legs crossed impossibly tight, protruding akimbo at improbable angles like a human swastika, a wanton display of “testicle-crushing” contortion. It was the opposite of manspreading, the inverse of kink-splaying, yet Newsom’s gnarled pose, his tangled appendages—like a steel-beamed hedgehog standing guard at Omaha Beach—still managed to intrude upon the public space in a way that many found unsettling.
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Exclusive: The Truth About the Global Plot Against Candace Owens, as Told By the Plotters Themselves
As a casual purveyor of youth culture, I recently became aware of the allegations leveled against the right-wing influencer Candace Owens. Some have accused her of concocting a bogus conspiracy involving Turning Point USA, the president of France, the alleged first “lady” of France, the French Foreign Legion, and a multinational assassination squad that includes at least one Jew.
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Cory Booker Obtains Female Wife in Boost to 2028 White House Bid
Cory Booker married a female woman over the weekend, closing the book on idle speculation about a man often described as “the Leonardo DiCaprio of American politics.” The Democratic senator from New Jersey wed his recently acquired fiancée, Alexis Lewis, at an intimate ceremony in Washington, D.C., over the weekend. The move satisfies a major public relations need for Booker and arrives with exquisite timing as he prepares to launch his 2028 presidential campaign.
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Part 2: How I Found Out My Journalist Side Piece Was Cheating on Me With Her Fiancé Again
She did it again. It was roughly 107 days later. Another triumph over evil and incompetence. Another lump of salt in time’s gaping wound. Joseph R. Biden, the nominal president, had flamed out like a California wildfire kissing the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Mouths forced open, cheeks clenched tight. Engorged tongues tangling like cattails in the briny muck of beachfront bliss. The low whine of steam clouds billowing breast-like over the horizon. Almighty nature tamed at last.
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How I Found Out My Journalist Side Piece Was Cheating on Me With Her Fiancé
The humidity unfurled in torrid pulse-strokes drenched with soft-skinned summer musk, swooning like a locust swarm up and down Fifth Avenue. Chaos lingered in the waning wreckage of a strawberry moon. Shadows whispered under Saturn’s winking eye. American flags flailed recklessly as darkness hunkered down. I wallowed in the pale dusk, still reeling from a nuclear aftershock of psychosexual delusion. Red and white, seared together pink as flesh. The stars were out. I sang the blues.
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EXCLUSIVE: We Tracked Down the Demon Who Attacked Tucker Carlson in His Bed and You’ll Never Believe What He Had to Say About the Jews
Tucker Carlson, the edgelord podcaster and former Swiss boarding school student, made headlines this week for several reasons. He risked his life by agreeing to interview “chemtrail” expert Dane Wigington, one of the only men on Earth with the knowledge and fortitude to expose the global plot to manipulate weather patterns with airplane-guided geoengineering. He followed that up by valiantly defying the outdated convention wisdom surrounding Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German Lutheran pastor jailed for speaking out against the Nazi regime and executed for allegedly plotting to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Carlson shrewdly denounced Bonhoeffer as a “great man in some ways” who was nevertheless a bad Christian for trying to kill a fellow Christian who was just trying to solve a problem and defend his country from the Jewish-backed imperial aggression of Winston Churchill.
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The Disastrous KJP New Yorker Interview
The New Yorker’s Isaac Chotiner recently interviewed former White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre by phone regarding her new book,…
