Truly, Spectacularly Stupid Purchases This Black Friday
One of the most fascinating things about capitalism is that you’re free to buy stupid things. You can buy millions of completely useless items if you want. And, like every year around this time, I’ve been stocking up on absurd products I absolutely did not need and now regret owning, because they’re not only unnecessary — they’re often annoying. Here’s my ranking of this year’s haul, in case it enlightens any fellow expert in idiotic purchases during sale season:
It is a robot head with teeth. You should put your little finger between his teeth while you talk. And if you lie, it will bite you.
Emergency Underwear. A cardboard box that dispenses emergency underwear. Very useful for those occasions when you somehow forget your underwear in a place where you should absolutely never forget your underwear. For reasons I won’t explain, it might also be useful for Nicolás Maduro right now.
Potato Friend. It’s a smiling potato made of wool holding a little sign with a heart that says: “I am a little potato who believes in you.” Somewhere in the world, people may be overcoming terrible hardships thanks to this tiny potato. It’s still better than gifting a Paulo Coelho book.
Remote-Controlled Cockroach. Marketed for Halloween parties, because admitting that we all use it to scare neighbors we don’t like doesn’t look so good in Amazon reviews.
Freedom Phone Case. Featuring Javier Milei’s face and the text “Maduro, out!” Much more useful than you’d think. If you keep it visible, it saves you from having to talk to idiots.
Super Aura Chakra Repair. No, it’s not a book. It’s not even a CD of weird meditations. It’s a spray. You spritz it and — according to the manufacturer — it connects you with yourself (which we appreciate; imagine if it connected you with anyone else), elevates your spirit, reduces stress, and repairs your energy. Obviously, I’m not planning to use it. I keep it in my self-defense kit in case I ever run out of pepper spray.
Ladybug Vacuum Cleaner. About the size of a computer mouse, this ladybug is also a mini vacuum. I assume it’s meant for a tablecloth or something. I tried vacuuming the living room with it and it took 79 days, 300 batteries, and four ladybugs with burned-out motors.
Wireless Headphones with a Decorative Cable. Headphones with all the disadvantages of wired ones and all the disadvantages of wireless ones. They remind me a bit of Joe Biden.
Tree Eyes, Nose, and Mouth. Resin pieces, almost indistinguishable from actual bark, that turn your perfectly innocent trees into elderly humanoid tree-people staring at your guests with deep woodland disappointment. They can either give your garden some much-needed personality or, alternatively, they can give your visitors a heart attack.
Pet Rock with Walking Leash. The product is permanently sold out; however, I managed to make my own by closely following the original concept — meaning I found a rock and tied a rope to it. A shame I didn’t have it during the pandemic, when the geniuses running Spain only allowed us to go outside if we were walking a pet (children did not count).
Lie Detector That Bites Your Finger. It is a robot head with teeth. You should put your little finger between his teeth while you talk. And if you lie, it will bite you. The most fascinating thing about this device is not how it detects lies, but that the manufacturer thought it wise to claim it “offers a safe biting experience.”
The Banana Slicer. A banana-shaped plastic grid that cuts your fruit into perfect slices with one swift motion. It’s a classic useless gift making a triumphant comeback. Since its release it has accumulated thousands of reviews, all of them mocking the manufacturer. This one, titled “Angle is wrong,” is my favorite: “I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”
READ MORE from Itxu Diaz:
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How Much More Attention Span Do We Have Left to Lose?
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